I have a sinking feeling I’m not giving 100%
This little boy grows by leaps and bounds. He learns new things, and does new thing every single day. He’s grabbing his feet, now. Sometimes, he cheats by holding onto his sleeper instead. Streeeeetch. He can hold his head high when he’s on his belly, and is working on his arm strength now, too. He pretty much grabs at everything that comes into the proximity of his hands….his shirt, toys, blankets, pacifier, my hair…
Ya. I got a haircut.
I have a sinking feeling that I’m not giving my 100% to pretty much anything other than my child.
We haven’t been to church in a while, and that’s because we’ve been battling sickness, and tiredness, and I have a general “don’t wanna” attitude. It breaks my heart. Easter is one of my favorite seasons of the year, and it doesn’t even feel like Easter, or Holy Week for that matter, this year.
I clean the house, but it’s not to the detail or extent I used to…
I brush the dogs, but it’s not very often. (This I feel most ashamed about.)
I have to go to the dentist, and lack the “wanna” attitude to pick up the phone and make an appointment.
There’s a stack of other to-do’s that have been sitting on the kitchen counter for at least a couple months.
I have been feverishly working to complete projects for my business, catching up on pre-orders made during my maternity leave, and find myself rushing through that, too. Just get it done….before the baby awakes!
Every moment of my day, less those spent feeding Asher, or playing, is in a rushed…what can I do now…pace.
And, I hate it.
Wow. Honesty.
Sometimes that’s the hardest for me - to be honest with myself.
I love spending the time with my son. I love feeding him and playing with him. I love hearing him coo at birds, trees, or even the wall. He can stare at the most mundane things, and find it interesting. I feel incredibly blessed I can spend this time with him, and are ever thankful.
It’s the everything else that gets to me.
I don’t like rushing. I don’t like not giving 100% to something, and I don’t like feeling like something is left incomplete.
It’s primarily because I have these really tiny windows of opportunity to get anything done. So I rush to complete it, but then feel bad because I didn’t do it to the best of my ability. But if I do it to the best of my ability, I can’t complete it, and then feel bad about that, too.
Conundrum.
It could be a problem of too much on my plate.
I tend to forget there’s something bigger than myself, breathing through me, illuminating my senses. Like there’s dust on my lens of life.
I realize I don’t have to get up and go to work the next day, but uhhh… I work from home, run my own business, but I work with power tools… It’s risky if I’m sleepy. And, even though I can work my work around his schedule….I end up working at 10pm….Saturday….Sunday…7 days a week. There’s really no “off” button.
Lately, I’ve been thinking…it’d be easier, especially with the house going up for sale soon, to just let my business go for a little while, stop doing custom items, and chill. Enjoy life a little. Take care of home first. Then add other things.
It’s just that when I’m only being a stay at home mom/housewife that I start to feel like something is missing from my life.
Maybe it’s a combination of these things I need to get at… A combination of working, but doing what I want to do, without deadlines. That way if baby or house duties are more important, I’m not feeling pulled to complete work.
Albeit, I know this is all in my own head. My customers are always willing to wait…it’s me that wants to check the next task off the list. I’m the problem, so to speak.
But no matter how much I tell myself to chill…..I still find myself checking that task. Check, check, check…what’s next? What else needs to be done?
Cause there’s always something.
